Misscarage sucks

So im going to try and get threw this with out crying but im probably going to cry like a baby.....but here we go

Ok i have had problems with my lovely time of the month since i started birth control 4 years ago when i got off of birth control  my period wpuld come when ever the heck it felt like one month would be 30 days the next qould be 20 the next could be 40 or even 60 some times and yes some of you may think 60 days heck ya!!! On top of that i never ever ever have cramps like ever when i do they are so unbearable i want to cry

Well i went in for that lovely once a year viset to see my doc and talk to her about what was going on she said there was a good chance i was not ovulating in other words not dropping an egg that with my neurofibromatosis my chances of getting pregnant were like a zero if i was not ovulating so we had made another appointment for me to come in three weeks and talk about my options to help get me pregnant wellll....m

 the last part of January 2016 i found out I was pregnant i was so excited!!! It put me due in November i was so excited i could not keep it to my slef witch looking back i wish i had but this being my first time i was ecstatic about it!!! Lake well he said he was but im sure on the inside  he was freeking out. Well i went in and she confirmed i was pregnant!!! To early to tell how far i was but that i was pregnant i was over the moon!!!! I have wanted to be a mom for ever i love kids so they took some blod work and sent me on my way they had set up another appointment for me to hear the heart beat on my birthday march 30th i thought o that will be an AMAZING gift =)  anf told me my due date would be end of november!!! A Turkey baby!!

The weekend before the 30 i woek up that sat and was bleeding....my heart sanke i knew something was wrong i of corse did the stuped thing and googled what could be wrong (dont do it laddys its not worth the freeking out) well i called the office and well they are closed on sat so i left a message and cryed my eyes out because even though i had never even heard it's heart beat mine was braking i knew something was wrong....i wanted my mom more then anything and she was gone for two weeks.....

Well after the longest frweking weekend of my life Monday morning came and the office called me and wanted me to come in asap....i went in after i got off work and they confirmed my fears....i had lost it...i was devastated...i still am  its taken me 5 6 months to write this yes i know i was not that far along yes i know o never heard a heart beat but i still had a baby and its now gone.

Its so hard for me to see other people pregnant or announced that they are pregnant or haveing new babys my sister just had a baby and it kills me how much i want to hold her and it just hurts to much to know that i would of been haveing mine in a few months....

Misscarage sucks no matter how far along you arw to have that overwhelming excitement about being a firat time mom only to have it ripped away sucks it hurts i dont know if its ever going to stop hurting....i will never know what that little person was going to be ...was it a boy was it a girl would she look like me would he look like lake???....

I know they say you should not say what if thos what if that.... but its so hard not to its so hard not to imagine what that little person would have beeb like


My only advice to you is dont take some one who has had a misscarage hurt and pain as if they will get over it its been 6 months for me and i still cry every time i see some one say they are pregnant i cant help but think what did i do that is so wrong that i could not be a mom at this point on my life what are they doing that im not???

Misscarage sucks in ever form weather it be a few weeks or even a few months pregnant a misscarage is a misscarage and it hurta no mater what stage your at ....

Some times ya just got to.....

As i sit hear and blog to you all i have to wonder does any one even read these??? really i mean do you ?? or do you hear enough from me you dont read them ??? could i say what ever i wanted on hear because you dont read my post?? if you do cool if not eh so goes life...

i had to blog to night because im both happy mad frustrated and relived.

why you much ask?

well its simple ok

 1-HAPPY- why i have my reasons to be mad i do have reasons to also be happy at the same time. i have a roof over my head food in my stomick and all the things you would need i dont want for anything huge ok i want a camera but hey im cool with saving lol. I am generally a happy person :D its not always easy but i try to stay happy for my hubby because i know things are not always easy for him with his job and everything he deals with so i try and be strong for him i am happy that we have what we have and i hope and pray hat things will get better as we go
 
2- MAD....I had a intervew the other day and i was sooooo happy i had this intervew and my first one went amazing!! and they liked me enough they had me do a 2ed intervew!!! go me!! but for the first time in EVER me being YOUNGER was a problem.... really come on!!! I  have never been turned down from a job because i was to young EVER not enough experience Ok i get that totally cool with that but not having kids and being younger kept me from having a chance at this job.....if you were looking for some one older be up front with me tell me that dont get my hopes all up and say you want a 2ed intervew and then smash me like a bug because im to young.... (thought they did not say that to my face when i saw the people the did take on it was loud and clear)  this is why i am MAD i dont think its fair i would of bent over backwards for this job! i give 100% every chance i get i never call in sick because i have the sniffels or a head ace NO i put on my big girl pants and do my freeking job!! but i get it you dont want to invest all the time in me only to have me turn around in a year year and a half and say " o im Pregnant i need my leave for x amount of time" get that but when you are looking for some one and you know you are looking for some one OLDER put that on your freeking ADD this among other things have kind of made this a not so grate week.... or month for me so far

3- FRUSTRATED....why you may ask well.... pregnant people piss me off  lol no offense to any of you that are but damn it go be cute and loveable some wear easel!! i want so bad to be a mom but every time we think that we might be ready something comes up and we cant even think of  having one.. why well when lake got this job we were happy we thought good pay good hours we were going to save up and have a better house then we are in now and have a baby well his hours got cut... not cool an 1000$ a month cut ouch!!! that was are new house we wanted and saving.. we barley have enough to cover are bills. I under stand you all LOVE these low gas prices but i pray they go up!! its just so frustrating that i wan to be a mom so bad more then any thing and with this price cut it hurt us bad and i just get frustrated is all.... i know you probly think boo hoo poor little coriann but im worred with my skin thing i have that the longe we wait the more chance i have of it acting up and causing problems sooo ya its hard for me :(

4- RELIVED.... back to the Frustrated that ties in to relived im relived that we are not pregnant or have a baby if we were or had a baby i would be so worried that with what had happened to his job that we would be in trouble and i dont like using the State to have one or for help it drives me nuts when people use the state for money i am also relived that my husband has a job and we have food to eat and a roof over are head


being an oil field wife is not always easy i know every one thinks OOO the money but really with the price drop not that grate and the chance of my husband being blown up EVERY SINGLE day scares the crap out of me. he may not have the most dangerous job in the world but it is in the top 10 if some one messes up or does something wrong he might not come home if some one opens something to soon it could blow up in his face and burn him and potenchaly kill him and news flash the health care plan ... not that grate..... I love my husband and i love are life together i would not triad are time together for any thing but please keep in mind when you buy gas and think good hell its bull crap about the price and bitch about it please reambe that my husband puts his life on the line EVERY DAY so that your car will run and you have pro-pain in you stove to cook or run your heat my husband put his life on the line for it thought no one has been hurt on his rought 2 men did pass away form doing what he does.

Ok thats my rant for tonight if you managed to read all of it cool if not thats fine i did this for me i needed to get it out and let some steam off and please rember every time you fill your car up or buy any thing that deals with gas rember then men and women that put there life on the line every day to give you it.



 

Trying something new....

Ok So i am going to try and post at least once every other week... fingers crossed lol

hmmm were to start...

Well seeing how my last post was in December a lot has happened and Not happened... We are still in Star valley living with my parents.. trying to move in to are own space in the bastment ...being a little harded then i want it to be but i feel like i am choking in the small room we are in it is not much better then the camper some day's but i am grateful for what i have. I am still working for the Day care and i love my job but it can take a lot out of you 10 kids 6 hours yaaaa grate birth control lol Lake is working for my dad doing odd jobs and for Ryan doing jobs o and sometimes for his brother... he says he wants to go to school but i dont think its going to happen this year but we will see what happens he wants to go in January so after hunting season he is going to be guiding for Ryan come September he loves it but hates that he does not get to go hunting for him self witch sucks because i know how much he loves it but we are going to try and get me an elk this year with his new gun :D i can shoot it up to a 1600 yards if i want to :D i think i will smoke me one dont you ???
 

Hmmm what else has happend O shalynn and Logan had a little boy named Teagun :D hes a cutie Brandon and Katie had a little boy named Boston hes a cutie also :D

Toran Got married!!! he married a realy amazing girl Named Elly she has a little girl name Zuzu SOOOO freeking CUTE!!! they were ment to be part of are Family!! i love them both so much and i have never see Toran so happy!!! i love it!!! they got married on 7/26/14 out in Jackson by the Teaton's it was just sibs and spousies no kids other then the babys and Tygun and Zuzu it was so much fun :D

lets seee i cant really think of any other BIG things that happen sooo Im just going to share some Pictures :D

 The Whole Family All together night before Torans wedding odd to think there are 34 of us!!

 Toran on his wedding day

 Tygun and my New Neice Zuzu <3 br="">

 My NEw sister in Law Elly

 Teagun

  Boston

A year gone by

I cant bealieve its been a year since lake and i have been married!!! ok a little over but still a year!!!!

So we left Friday Night and i thought we were just going to stay the night at his moms nothing speachel ya know just go see that family hang out and then leave to go to Utah.
so we got to his parents house we were just hanging out when lake decided he needed to go help Dave move some stuff and i was like OK so i sat at his parents house and waited for him to come back.

he came back and he said lests go for icecream ....and i for the first time in like FOR EVER did not want any.... odd i know but he talked me in to it so we got in the car and headed to town ...only the wrong way sooooo i asked were are we going he said there is a new icecream shop were i was like ok cool... he then made me cover my eyes so it was a suprise!!! .... i dont like nit being able to see were we are going BUT i covered my eyes any way sooooo we drove for a bit then he got out and lead me up the stars and opend the door and said

ok you can open your eyes now

we were in the black swan in. :D i have always wanted to go there nut lake does not like to with his past marriage and all  but he took me!!! I was sooooo surprised!!!!! he got use the Pirate room!!! i loved it !!! (there was a SWEEET shower!!!) he had two bottles of sparkling syder and snacks and every thing!!!! i loved it!!

So the next morning we got up and headed to SLC to go shoping and go to Manti to take Pictures my most FAV temple in the whole world ( were we plan on geting syeld)

any who we drove down to utah ( well Lake drove i HATE SLC) and went shopping and lake picked out cloths for me hes getting pretty good at it to. :) camo pants brown boots and a cream shirt :) and Fudge mmmmm fudge And lake got a gun :)

I had such a grate weekend with my Love!! he showed me that he loves me more now then he did when we met and i love him more now then when when we first met also he is my best friend my true sole mate i love you more then any thing in this world baby!! you are my rock and my strength i cant wait to start a family with you because i know you are going to be the best dad and father any one could ask for :) your the best thing in the world to me and that is never going to change. here is to you and me tell forever i love you so much baby!!

 

flash back to the hell of high school

So growing up I have always had a very very hard time leting go of things that have made me mad or hurt me..... just not very good at letting go of things or telling my feelings not that any one would every lyson to me when i was younger  high school age.. and I always worried about other Peoples trouble before me so i just put it on the back burrner and let it simmer tell it over flows and I snap and bawl over nothing...

high school for me though I have not addmited it to manny people High school was hell for me I hated it so much!!! Yes I had my friends though at sometimes I felt like more of a pest to them then any thing and no one really wanted to hear about my problems so I hid them in side and worred about other people putting other people's hurts and worries before any of mine..... high school for me was tourtcher..... I may have never addmited this to any of my friends but there were plenty of times were i wanted to hurt my self but was so worried about the pian of others that I could not bring my self to do anything. ...... there were a few well more then half of guys in are graduating class that made my life hell! I really could choak all of them and be happy! Yes I know not nice but they don't get to treat me that way and think that is ok..... I have not given it a lot of thought since grad night but when we got are 5year on facebook all those emochions came fludding back. I have changed so much since then but when i saw that on facebook I got sick. I sat there thinking who I could sick my husband on letting him beat the crap out of the people who I hated in school.  I look at me then and now. And I'm not the same fat girl i was but I still don't know if I even want to go to are school reunion I do i want to see the people that were not ass holes but the bad out weighs the good at this point. ..... I know i did just let it go but 4years of high school and 2 years of middle school is a lot and 5 years away from them is not enuf to forget how they made me fill.

I feel that they shood appologies to me for the things they sad and did to me but that's like asking fish not to swim...... never going to haPpen they still as big as ass holes as they were then....

I know i shood let it go but it's so hard for me to forgive people who have said things and dun things to hurt me. ..... I make these story up in my head and then I get even madder then I was before.

I don't think i will go. Lake wants to so he can punch any one that made me fill that way but i don't want to get him I'm trouble because i know he could beta tee crisp out of every one of them. .... I knew i don't have to talk to them but seeing them is morw then emuf to piss me off.

I know I need to just let it go but i just have such a hard time

love my life! !!

So here I am sitting at work bored out of my mind. .....typeing all of this on my phone. .. yes that's right my phone. ..... is not easy but it is something to do. . So I thought I would take a min or two maybe more to tell you about my life.

Well on september 6 th 2011 I went on a date. ... big woop some would say but it was a big deal. ....

Wait let me back up a little. ...k so I had been dating a loser and things did not work out so we broke up and I moved back home. ... and any one who lived in wyoming knows it's not easy to find some one you like so I was on lds singels and when I lived in ut it wad gate Kayton was a good place to live there were plenty of guys to pick from. .... though not a run of them cought my eye I made some good friends. ... well I moved back to Wyoming in October 2010 and worked had a few dates but nun that I really saw myself sealting down with. .. so istarted to give up when I met a nice guy that was in ocklahoma well I tslkef to him for a whiel abs thought I like this kid. .... well god had a different plan for me. .... at the time I was talking to the mid in Oklahoma I was taking kind of to a guy in idaho....I did not want to talk to him much because I felt things were going good with the guy in Oklahoma. .... well I got a email from the guy in Idaho asking to see me abs go on a date..... so finley I gave in and said yes. .... Not thinking any thing would happen. ....I planed are date. ... but a few days before setting up are date I had gotten a ticket to go see the guy in Oklahoma. ......so sseptember 6 th came and I git ready for my date. ... not thinking any thing would happen. ..... well the was a knock at my door and I did not plan on finding what I did. ....
When I opened the door there in front of me was a extremaly handsome man standing in front of me. ....

 we went to dinner and a move and then hung out in the park for what seamed not that long but it was something like 3h as we were laying there we saw a shooting star and I said
"O look a shooting star. .... make s wish"
He sat there for a second being very quiet and said
Ok I did
At this point in the night in thinking. ..... he is the only guy I have ever gone on a date with that had not tried to kiss me. .... so I was a little sad. ...

Well abound 3sec aftet that he kissed me! !!!! It was unlike any kiss I had had before. ... it was purfect!!!!!

Well after he kissed me he said
"Well My wish cane true...."

Cornry I know but it was so cute! !!!!!!!

Then he said he had never been so nurvis in his life to kiss some one.
He then told me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen!!!!

Againg I know corney.... but I loved it! !!

He asked if he could see me again. And being the some what scared person I told him I needed to go on at least 1 date with someone else's before we could. .. so he said Ok. ... and about 4 days late I got a text saying

"Can I please see you before you go on your trip. ..."

So I said yes.

Well he was pulling his camper and got the late and ended up parking it at are house for the night I had planned to leave that next morning at about 8 am. ....I did not leave until about 5 pm.....

I did not want to get on the plain. ....I wanted to skip it and spend all weekend with him. .... but I got on my pain. ... and meet the other kid. ....I got off the plane and the only thing I vulgar think Of wad Lake....I told the kids what was going on abs he undetstood we still hung out as friends and then I went home.

I got home Sunday night and was testing Lake the whole time he was on his way back to big pinney for work and asked if he could stop and see me on his way through I was so excited to see him! !!! He stayed tell about 1130 and headed to big pinnry that was 2hawsy...

Well after that it wad all down hill. We spent almost every weekend together we Sorrento most of are time fishing or shooting guns..

We dated for 9 months before he told me he lived me! !! I had been waiting for him to say that to me since like month 3 lol I knew after are first date I did not want to be with any one but him. ... the was a click for me and I knew. From then on I wanted nothing more but to be with him.

Well after he told me he loved me we had kind of talked abut getting married a few time andmaybe a little before that so one night aaugust 3 we went  to go fishing like we would do on most Fridays nights when I got there so we were walking along the lake when he pointed out a rock that was out of place ( the rest were jagged and the one was a river rock) so I went to pick it up and found a box undet it... what is this!  I opened it to find a ring. ...I turnef around to find Lake down on one knee....

Well of corse I said yes! !!!

The most amazing part that I love telling people is that my endgment ring was hand made! !!!! By my love yep thats right Lake made my ring from a silver quater!!!!

Well about 3 months after he asked we got married!!! I could not think of any one brute to spend my life with! !! I can't wait to be sealed in the temple to him for time and sll eternity with him! !!! He is my best friend and my one true happiness he can make me smile just by smiling at me I love him so much he maked me bettet strong and happier.

I can't wait to spend the rest of are lifes togesthet.

I love you so much baby! !! For ever and always babe!!!!

I love being Coriann Lakell Loveday!!!

Day 7 of my 365 Photography Project

So i had a grate time shooting these photos!! this is one of my good Friends Michelle and she is due April 22 2012 she is having a little baby boy named Carter James i hope you enjoy I had such a grate time with her and cant wait to see the little boy!!!